Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
You Might Also Like
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son