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me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…