Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
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The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel