I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all