Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.