It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.