Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets