Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage