me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice