People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”