Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
getting groceries
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either