My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
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I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.