[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.