Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You Might Also Like
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
hmmm
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask