“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?