My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Spring of Deception
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’