watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old