Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
fr
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”