Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
But I really needed water water water
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?