When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”