Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
guilty
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Breaking news:
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok