Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.