I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
You Might Also Like
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.