Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I cannot stop laughing at this
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
This makes total sense…
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.