[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
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[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.