So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.