The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Our lord and savoury.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg