My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
no one ever comes back
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.