I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football