if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house