I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.