I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
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I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.