Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Every time.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Auto correct is my worst enema.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed