Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Hotels are back
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.