DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”