*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Guilty! 🤪
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.