If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Flock of bats
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”