Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Facebook memories be like
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.