A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.