If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
😂😂😂
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.