I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters