I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
You Might Also Like
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.