And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.