When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.