Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.