Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
It’s the weekend y’all
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan