My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.