Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes