“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?