There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog